Having sex for the first time: what you should know
There are probably lots of things going through your mind if you are thinking about having sex for the first time. You may be wondering if your body will change or whether it will hurt. Read on to find answers to some of the questions you may have about first-time sex.
What
happens to your body when you have sex?
Your body will not
display any telltale signs after you have sex for the first time. The only way
anyone will know you’ve had sex is if you or somebody else tells them.
While having sex, you
might breathe heavily and sweat, and your skin could become flushed. These
changes are caused by the physical nature of sex. During sex, your vulva may
also become swollen due to increased blood flow. After sex, your body will go
back to normal, just like it would after exercise.
Most women are born with a hymen,
which is a membrane in the vagina that can stretch or tear
during exercise, first-time sex, or other activities. During your first time
having sex, your hymen
might stretch, and you may experience some bleeding if it ruptures.
However, bleeding doesn’t always occur during first-time sex. Many people have
already inadvertently broken their hymen before they ever have sex. If you’re worried
about bleeding, lying down on a dark-colored towel or cloth can
prevent stains.
Will it hurt?
Much of the
anxiety surrounding having sex for the first time is centered on whether it
will hurt. If you relax, feel comfortable, and pay attention to your body,
there probably won’t be any pain. What you might feel is a bit of discomfort because
this experience is new to you.
If you do feel
pain, it is more than likely caused by friction. Friction during penetrative
sex occurs when there isn’t enough vaginal lubrication to ease the entry of
something entering your vagina. Engaging in plenty of foreplay can stimulate
the vagina to become more lubricated.
Using lubricant
can make intercourse more comfortable and enjoyable.
Will I have an
orgasm?
When you and your
partner are figuring out how to have sex for the first time, you might believe
that it will be as magical as it is often depicted in the movies. However, it’s
possible that your first time won’t be nearly as smooth or well choreographed.
For many people, their first
time is an awkward and somewhat uncomfortable affair. On top of that, both of
you might be nervous. Under circumstances like these, it can be difficult to achieve
an orgasm. This is perfectly normal. In fact, sex without orgasm can
be quite enjoyable and might be a good way for you and your partner to connect
further.
Can I get
pregnant having sex for the first time?
There’s a myth in
some societies that you can’t get pregnant when you have sex for the first
time. This is false. If you have already started getting your period, you can
get pregnant if you have sex.
If you don’t want
to become pregnant, you should use a birth control method whenever you engage
in sexual intercourse.
First-time sex: ways to reduce
anxiety
If you’re having
sex for the first time, you may feel anxious. This is common and completely
normal. There are lots of things you can do to deal with this anxiety.
Right partner
Some studies show
that you are more likely to have both psychological and physical satisfaction
when you have sex with someone you trust and with whom you have a steady
relationship. Being with someone you trust can help you feel safer and more in
control of the situation.
Cozy place
If you want to
have sex but feel anxious about it, plan to do it in a place you find
comfortable. An unfamiliar or uncomfortable location could make it hard to
focus on what’s going on and enjoy what’s happening.
Foreplay
Anxiety about the
first time you have sex is pretty common. However, foreplay may help reduce
your anxious feelings. Foreplay involves a lot of kissing and touching, which
can help you feel more comfortable with your own body as well as your
partner’s.
Take it slow
A lot of anxiety
can come from trying to rush sex to get to the next step. You might find
yourself thinking about what you should be doing and what you should do next.
If so, take a moment to center yourself and focus on the present, letting
things happen naturally.
Some people are in
a hurry to achieve orgasm. Taking your time and enjoying the journey can make
sex a more relaxed and enjoyable experience.
Try again later
It’s very common
to have a less-than-perfect first time. However, that doesn’t mean that sex
will always be bad. Any number of things can contribute to an experience that
doesn’t quite live up to your expectations.
You can always try
again later when you are feeling more comfortable. However, you’re under no
obligation to commit to a next time, either. The best time to have sex is when
you’re sure you want it, not just when your partner wants you to.
First-time sex: safety first!
If you’re
considering having sex for the first time, you should be aware of ways to
protect yourself from unsafe sex. Having unprotected sex can transmit
infections. It can also cause unwanted pregnancy.
Avoiding
STIs
The risk of
contracting infections is much higher if you don’t use protection when you have
sex. Some sexually transmitted infections (STIs) include:
·
Chlamydia
·
HIV/AIDS
·
Hepatitis
B and C
·
Genital
herpes
·
Syphilis
·
Gonorrhea
While some of
these diseases can be treated with antibiotic medication, some are incurable
and can have serious health implications. HIV has no cure, but there are
medications that can suppress the virus almost completely. Left untreated, HIV
can develop into AIDS, which has no cure. Using condoms when you engage in
sexual intercourse will greatly reduce the risk of contracting an STI.
Contraception
Unless you’re
planning to have a baby, you should use contraceptive methods to reduce the
likelihood of pregnancy.
You can opt for barrier methods
such as condoms, diaphragms, or caps. These stop sperm from reaching the egg.
Other methods, like the birth
control pill, alter your hormones to ensure that an egg is not
released. Only condoms protect against both pregnancy and STIs, but it's
important to remember that no protection method is 100 percent effective.
If you’re puzzled
by how to have sex for the first time, that’s a totally normal way to feel.
It’s common to be anxious, but being with the right partner in a cozy place and
taking things slowly can help. Be sure to practice safe sex to avoid unplanned
pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.
Use safer sex
practices. It can be easier to relax and enjoy yourself
if you feel confident that you are practicing safer sex. With this in mind,
make a plan to make your sex life as safe as possible. If you can, before you
have sex, get to know your partner, and talk openly about your sexual
histories. Use a condom or dental dam every time you have sex, and
for the complete act.[1]
· Only latex and polyurethane condoms
protect against STIs and HIV.
Polyurethane condoms may break more easily than latex. Use a condom any
time you have vaginal, anal, or oral
sex.[2] A dental dam is a
latex barrier that you can use when performing oral sex with a female partner.
It can help prevent the spread of STIs and HIV. [3]
· Females should also consider getting the
HPV vaccine to help prevent problems like genital
warts and cervical
cancer.[4] HPV vaccines may
cause fainting or allergic reactions in some people, so talk with your doctor
about whether the vaccine is right for you.[5]
Love the body you're in. Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed of your body can
make sex needlessly uncomfortable. If you struggle with body image issues that
are negatively affecting your sex life, then make it a priority to rectify what
you can and accept what you cannot. Accepting your body is
key to a happy self and the first step to better sex life.
· Try looking at yourself in the mirror
and make it a point to find a new positive about yourself each day.[6]
· You can also make it a point to get to
know your own body in a sexual way. People with vaginas who masturbate have
significantly more sexual satisfaction than those who do not [7] Knowing
what feels good for yourself will help you communicate your needs to your partner.
Communicate openly with your partner. Communication
with your partner will improve your sexual satisfaction and help with your
intimacy.[8] [9] [10] It can be hard to
establish and maintain open communication with your partner, especially if you
aren't comfortable with sex and what you want. Think about what you can say and
still feel comfortable and safe.
· No matter how well you may think you
know each other, your partner isn't a mind reader. If there is something you
want to change about your sex life, then it's important to talk about it. If
your partner is really committed to you, then they will be willing to listen
and respect your needs.[11]
· Communicating your sexual needs can even
be a good bonding experience for you and your partner.[12]
Reveal what you like. You need to be open with your partner about your attitudes
and feelings towards having sex. You should also make a point of asking your
partner what they want and what they like. Being shy or coy will only make your
partner feel self-conscious, which can make the experience worse for both of
you. Let yourself enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let your partner
see that you're enjoying it too.[13]
· Don't judge your partner for what they
like. It can be scary for both of you to divulge that kind of information, so
listen to them without interrupting. If your partner likes something that you
are not comfortable with, let them know that you are not interested in it
without making them feel weird or bad about their desires.[14]
· Avoid using euphemisms when possible.
These are not clear, and can make it harder for your partner to understand you.
Use language that you're comfortable with, but remember that sex is not
"wrong" or "dirty," and using terminology that is clear and
communicative is helpful.[15]
5
Let your partner know what isn't working. There are times when something you
try in the bedroom isn't working. Instead of placing the blame on anyone, use
"I" statements to express what is unsatisfying about the experience
for you. If you are more honest about the things you don't like, you can fix
them. This can only make the sex better.
· For example, tell your partner, "I
feel as if the sex is too rushed. What can we do to fix this?" This
statement communicates the problem you are having with the sex but doesn't
place the blame on anyone. Instead, it shows that it is something that you can
work on together.[16]
· Frame things positively when possible,
such as "I really enjoy when you do ____ and would like that to happen
more often" or "Such-and-such really works better for me than
so-and-so -- can we try that instead?"
Pay attention to your partner. See their pleasure as your goal line. Of course,
it's important for you to get what you're looking for from a sexual
relationship too, but you should start by setting a good example. The better
you make them feel, the more they’re going to want to rise to the challenge.
The key to good sex is to make sure that you're processing and acknowledging
your partner's reactions to the experience.
· When you see your partner wince, stop. You might be hurting them. When you hear your
partner moan, repeat the motion you just did because it probably feels really
good. Most importantly, pay attention throughout sex to make sure that your
partner is mutually interested in everything you are doing.
· Stop immediately if they say “no.”
· Remember that just because your partner
doesn't say "no" doesn't mean that they are comfortable with the
situation. Consent is an ongoing process. After all, your goal is to get a
resounding “yes!” from the both of you.
Ditch the porn
stereotypes. Porn is like all other movies: they do not reflect
reality. Porn is shot and set up to look good on camera, but it usually doesn't
reflect what actually feels good or what a real sexual encounter looks like.
· Try to go in with no expectations. Just
let things go naturally
Take your time
to enjoy it. You want to enjoy every minute of the entire
experience. It shouldn't be a "get-in-get-out" operation. Enjoy the
whole sexual experience. Pay attention to your partner's erogenous zones and
spend time pleasuring them. Slow down and explore your partner's whole body.
Don't just go for the clichè parts.
· You can also play
games with one another to liven up the experience. Always focus
on connection and keeping them guessing to make sex interesting.
· Make a point to keep kissing. Returning
for a sexy make-out every now and again can be a great way to draw out the
experience.
Focus on foreplay. Before jumping right to the main event, spend some time
kissing, caressing, and pleasing one another. Foreplay can make sex last longer and feel more sensual and romantic. Many
females especially find that foreplay is helpful in getting them in the right
mood, whereas male may be more ready to go at any moment.
· It's in your best interest to get your
lady in the mood. It will increase her natural lubrication and make her enjoy
sex more.
Keep the
compliments flowing. You should make sure that your partner never doubts for
a moment that you think they are pretty much the hottest thing on the planet,
maybe even the hottest thing for the next couple planets. When you see something
you like, let your partner know.
· You don't always have to say it, but
take time to enjoy it. Let your partner see you enjoying their body too.
Use proper
lubrication. Personal lubrication products can significantly improve
sexual satisfaction.[20] [21] Using quality lubricants is very important to good sex,
especially if your partner is female or if you are having anal/penetrative sex.
Sexual interactions involve a lot of friction and, most of the time, friction
is good. However, it also has its downsides, such as chafing and discomfort.
You can buy lubricants at many local stores and pharmacies as well as online.
You can also get them through your doctor or a sexual health clinic.[22]
· Choose lubricant products without the
ingredient glycerin, which leads to vaginal dryness. Avoid using scented
products or other materials that could cause vaginal dryness, including
douches, hand lotions, soaps, or bath oils. To use lubricants correctly, follow
the manufacturer's instructions.[23]
· There are three types of lubrication,
water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based. Water-based lubricants rinse off
easily, and are easy to find in stores. [24] They
can also be used with condoms, can prevent the condom from breaking[25] ,
and produce fewer genital symptoms than silicone-based lubricants.[26]
· Silicone-based lubricants last longer
than other lubricants and are the best choice for anal sex.[27] Oil-based
lubricants should never be used with latex condoms because they can cause the
condom to break
Make some
noise. When you are having sex, try to make some noises of
appreciation for your partner. Of course, you don't want to go over the top,
but making some basic moans and gasps lets your partner know not only
when something feels good, but when your partner should do more of it. It also
tells the other person that you're enjoying the experience. This will heighten
their enjoyment and also encourage your partner to put in more effort.
· A recent study reveals that partners who
make noise during sex tend to have better sex. So just do what feels natural
and if you feel like making noise, let it loose
Indulge in
your fantasies. You don't need to go full blown over the top with the
things you like in bed, but some basic kink can really add variety and interest
to your sex life. The problem is that sex can easily become routine, especially
when you've been with someone for a while. To keep it great or make it better,
you want to break up the monotony. Nothing says "goodbye monotony"
like silk blindfolds, fuzzy handcuffs, and a fun game of Bad Cop.
· You should also experiment with sex toys. Including
sexual materials in your sex life can improve your satisfaction and most sex
toys can be pleasurable for both partners.[30]
· Other sexual materials also might help
create some sparks in your love life. Do some research and see what you might
be missing out on.
· Lots of people have very specific sexual
fantasies that they are too embarrassed to share with their partners. If you
feel comfortable enough with your partner, then share your fantasies with one
another.
Keep things
unpredictable. You might know just what to do to make your partner
orgasm instantly, but that doesn't mean you should. Sex should happen
organically and feel spontaneous. If you and your partner have sex at the same
time every day or night, then it's time to mix things up.
· Incorporate variation in the positions
you use, where you have sex, who's in control, and what extras you use
Try a new
position. Changing sex positions can improve sexual satisfaction.[33] It can make you and your partner feel better to try new
things. There are positions which offer more control to and increase your
partner’s pleasure.
· If you and your partner are male and
female, you could try side by side positions. If one or both of you have back
or joint pain, or if there is discomfort due to penis size, side by side
positions can offer more control and comfort. Both partners will be laying on
their side facing the same direction for these positions. There are many
variations so find what works best for you.
Find some
resources. You can find inspiration from erotic stories -- many's
the woman who has thrilled to 50 Shades of Grey -- but it can also be a good idea to consult
some "how-to" manuals on how to improve your sex life. Look for books
written by sex experts. It can also be helpful to look for resources that are
geared toward where you are in life; there are resources available for LGBTQ
individuals, older individuals, etc.[34]
· The American Association for Marriage
and Family Therapy recommends the "Better Sex" video series by the
Sinclair Institute
See your
doctor. Some causes of sexual dysfunction have medical causes,
especially for people with penises. Erectile
dysfunction, for example, is commonly caused by conditions such as heart
disease, high blood pressure, or obesity, although stress can also cause it.[36] If you're experiencing physical problems that are
interfering with your sex life, talk to your doctor.
· Many conditions that cause sexual
dysfunction are very treatable. Don't feel embarrassed about going to your
physician; sex issues are very common and your doctor likely deals with them
all the time.
Consult an
expert. Sometimes, a couple has issues with their sex life that
they can't seem to solve on their own. This is perfectly natural. If you
continue having sexual problems, seeing a couple therapist who specializes in
sex therapy can help. A sex therapist (or couple therapist with sex therapy
training) knows what kinds of questions to ask to help you and your partner(s)
of you discover what may be causing your issues in the bedroom.[38]
· It can be immensely embarrassing to talk
to a stranger about your sex life, but sex therapists are held to the same
rules of confidentiality as all mental health professionals. They're there to
help you, and will not judge you or discuss your issues with anyone else.
·
As
with anything else, sex takes practice in order to perfect. If you are new to
sex, then don't panic if it isn't amazing from the get-go. You're still
learning about your own body and about what techniques and maneuvers work and
which ones don't in bed.
·
Be
seductive. Play. Pinch. Lick.
·
Communication
is very important. Clear, verbal consent must be shared between all parties
involved. Communication can also enhance sex, making it more pleasurable and
intense.
·
Try
using chocolate body paint, the idea being to lick it off your partner's body.
For best results, go slowly and add a bit of teasing.
·
For
feminine people, if you plan on removing any of your clothes, you should try
wearing a pair of stockings. These should be the last items to take off, as you
can have a lot of fun with them as it's said they're quite a turn on. It's also
said that they increase the chances of pleasure due to the sensation of the
nylon material.
·
Remember
that birth control does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, and
is not 100% effective in preventing unplanned pregnancies.
·
No
sex is 100% safe, but safer sex practices such as having open conversations
about your sexual history and using condoms every time greatly reduce your
risk.
·
The
BDSM community tends to hate 50 Shades of Grey. You should take advice from
non-fiction, not fiction, anyway.
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